A New Guardian Angel

I've been inactive for a while because I've been processing a difficult year. Sometimes I just need to hibernate.

I've been hit with two new diagnoses.  Neither one is life threatening but I've had a hard time dealing with my new eye condition, posterior vitreous detachment. It occurs when the jelly in the eye (vitreous) detaches from the back wall of the eye. It's not going to make me blind. But one of the complications is retinal detachment or tearing which if left untreated can cause vision loss. When I first went to the ophthalmologist I was placed on an activity restriction which forced me to quit my volunteer job at a local pre-school program. (lots of running and jumping). It was a real let down for me.

At one of my follow-ups I inquired about what to do if I had symptoms of retinal tearing, etc. How much time do I have before there's permanent damage?

According to the Nurse, I've 24-48 hours or I could lose my sight. This put me in a real good mood. 

Then I found out that my current cancer medication could damage my retina so I decided to see my oncologist to inquire about switching to a different one. It turns out her husband has PVD and when he had retinal detachment symptoms, he waited too long. He now has a partial loss of vision.
This put me into hysteria mode.

I wasn't a happy camper. I vacillated between anxiously analyzing my visions symptoms to ranting at God. Intellectually I knew I was overreacting but I have a flair for the dramatic. My father had this condition and he never went blind. The nurse at my eye doctor had the condition and she seemed okay. But I couldn't accept it.

You'd think after being diagnosed with cancer, a simple eye condition would be no big deal. But I guess the thought of potential blindness just totally unsettled me.

So God sent me a mentor to guide me through this transition. Who did he send?

My pet bird Polly !

Yes, the Lord moves in mysterious ways and he can even use a pet bird to teach one of his followers a lesson.
As it turns out my lovebird went blind this year. She's hand tame and comes out of her cage to socialize. She'll eat out of my hand, bathe in the sink, and explore all over the house.
But this winter she started changing.

I Believe

Today is a difficult day for me. I just found out a fellow cancer traveler died. I'm glad that she was went to the Lord on Our Lady's Saturday but it's a shame. She had been in remission for a number of years but it came back. She was a wonderful person. It's a reminder to me not to take anything for granted. Every new day is a precious gift. I know that sounds corny but it's true.
I'm also dealing with a new medication change. I won't get into the boring details of how or why but right now my joints are aching (a side effect) and I can't wait to get to the five year mark and be done with all of this.
I realize it's time to surrender AGAIN. It's an ongoing process that I'll be doing for the rest of my life. I also realize that if my head believes it my heart will follow. Surrender isn't an emotional thing, it's an intellectual assent and a conscious decision to buy into God's plan. This may seem really obvious to everybody but I need to remind myself.
So.....I surrender God!! I Believe there's a purpose to my life!!
Here's a music video that I think sums it all up nicely:

A Vocation of Love

There are days when I struggle with feeling useless. My kids are grown and since my diagnosis I've had to face the fact that I'm not launching any grand careers. Although I do volunteer work and try to be a support for others, part of me feels like I missed the boat. I battled this issue when I was a stay-at-home mom with small children and it was easily conquered whenever a flu bug hit home or my kids needed help with an art project.

But now as an empty-nester it's harder to get my usefulness fix. Add to that the frequent image of the cancer survivor as some sort of superhero who's better than ever!! They run marathons, start businesses, and create non-profits. I started getting sucked into that mentality when I hit the first year mark. As part of my celebration my husband and I hiked 5 miles on a local state park trail. After that I decided to join a local hiking group and train to participate in 10-14 mile hikes and maybe even join their group that was preparing to hike the 2,000 mile Appalachian Trail!!

I don't think so...

I ended up seriously injuring my knee and quitting the group. I came to realize that more is not always better. But I felt like I had to keep up. I ended up revamping my workout program and I'm working out less but more often. My body is grateful.

Well, I recently found an antidote to my need to be important. It's a book entitled, The Way of Trust and Love  by Jacques Philippe. It provides a wonderful explanation of St. Therese of Lisieux's little way. As it turns out she also was afflicted with a dissatisfaction in her state in life:

Therese explains that although she knew her vocation....and was very happy in it,nevertheless she had a certain sense of dissatisfaction. So ardent were her desires to love our Lord and serve the Church that she would have liked to have all the vocations there are---just one wasn't enough for her!! She would like to be a priest to celebrate Mass,...a preacher...a missionary..and even a Papal Zouave to defend the Pope! (p.57)

So what was her answer?

My Annual Ritual

Every year around this time I re-read one of my favorite books: He Leadeth Me by Walter Ciszek.  It's the story of a priest who spent twenty three years as a  prisoner in Soviet prisons and labor camps during the cold war. He was actually trained by the Vatican to serve in "Russian missions" but wound up in Poland during World War II. When the Red Army took over Poland Fr. Ciszek  wound up entering the Soviet Union. Disguised as a worker he accompanied Polish refugees with plans to serve as their pastor. Unfortunately, his true identity was discovered and he was arrested for being a "Vatican Spy."  First subjected to five years of Solitary confinement, he was then sentenced to fifteen years of hard labor in Siberia. Once released he lived as a Soviet citizen under constant surveillance until he was freed during a US/Soviet prisoner exchange. During this entire ordeal of starvation, brutal work conditions, and endless harassment (for being a priest) he still managed to maintain his faith in God and secretly provide many people the sacraments. He would often have to say mass in secret in the woods with a guard on watch. Prison officials would place him on the toughest details with the smallest rations simply because he was a priest. But through it all he never lost hope and was a beacon of light to all around him  This guy was a Saint.

So what does this have to do with surviving a cancer diagnosis?

Actually a lot. One of the most powerful messages of this book involves a simple truth: sanctity can be found by simply accepting everything that happens as the will of God. All that happens is ordained for our redemption and we need to accept it.

His will for us was the twenty-four hours of each day: the people, the places, the circumstances he set before us in that time. Those were the things God knew were important to him and to us at that moment, and those were the things upon which he wanted us to act, not out of any abstract principle or out of any subjective desire to "to do the will of God." No, these things, the twenty-four hours of this day, were his will; we had to learn to recognize his will in the reality of the situation and and to act accordingly. We had to learn to look at our lives, at everything that crossed our path each day, with the eyes of God; learning to see his estimate of things, places, and above all people, recognizing that he had a goal and a purpose in bringing us into contact with these things and these people, and striving always to do that will--his will--every hour of every day in the situations he had placed us. (Pg. 38)

There are days that I can't see the point of my life. I'll be dealing with some new medical issue or some really obnoxious person and all I can think is : are you kidding me?  But that's when I need to follow Father Ciszek's advice. It's the Little Flower's 'little way'" on steroids. All suffering has meaning and can lead us closer to God.

What I like about Father's book is the brutal, gritty environment in which he applied this philosophy. He found God in the interrogation room, work brigade, and miserable living conditions. Here's a short video about him:

                                                             

Giving God the Steering Wheel

I've recently experienced another setback. It seems the medication I've been taking has created a state of early osteoporosis (osteopenia). I'm taking Femara which is known for this side effect but I didn't expect it this early.

I spent a good part of this week in a state of anger and frustration since I shouldn't be having this problem. I work out religiously at least four times a week and I'm a major source of income for the diary industry with all the milk, cheese, and yogurt I consume. And lets not the forgot all the calcium supplements I've been taking.

I'm starting to realize that when it comes to cancer there's always something new happening and I'm fooling myself if I think I'm getting back to "normal."              I don't think so. I need to realize that my life will never be same.

I also need to realize that I'm not in charge. God sends me these little trials for a reason  whether I understand it or like it. Pitching a fit and  flailing around like a bucking bronco are not useful strategies. I'd like to share a quote from Divine Intimacy, a Carmelite meditation book which provides a helpful approach to difficult times like this:

If we are disturbed and upset by trials, it means that we lack faith. Even when God conceals Himself, when everything seems to fail us and we feel terribly alone, we can be absolutely certain that God will never abandon us if we do not first abandon Him. Instead of becoming bitter or falling into despair, it is the moment to intensify our faith, to make strong acts of faith. St Therese of the Child Jesus used to say,"I count on Him. Suffering may go to its limit, but I am sure he will never abandon me." (p.177)

So I may not like my present situation but I'm trying to accept the fact that this is God's will for me.

Why I Blog

I feel compelled to discuss one of the reasons that I created this blog. Recently I was told of a patient who has decided not to pursue conventional treatment and go with "alternative" methods of care.  She has not opted to go the hospice route and give up.  This patient simply doesn't want to try standard therapies like surgery, chemo, etc.From her perspective methods like supplements, reiki, etc are just as effective.

So.... this is where it all leads....

Here's  how it plays out mathematically:

According to this patient she views treatment in the following way;

Surgery,
Chemo, radiation,etc  =   Reiki, Supplements, Yoga, etc.

This is very sad. I don't think this poor woman will be with us much longer. But how did this happen?

In my opinion I blame the medical profession. More specifically, I blame those practitioners who are pushing this nonsense. It's irresponsible. I'm sure that they didn't intend for patients to make this kind of choice but it's not that simple.

Nobody likes cancer treatment. It's painful, scary, and full of side effects. There's a natural tendency to want to avoid it. There's a natural impulse to avoid such unpleasantness. Let's be honest, oncologists are not the most popular doctors in town and there's a reason.
In my own cancer journey I even investigated a treatment center renown for it's use of "alternative and holistic" methods. I  didn't want to get cut, go bald from chemo, and possibly end up with lifelong side effects like osteoporosis.
But then I found out that my insurance wouldn't pay for it. That made me pause......Perhaps there's a reason. At that point I came to my senses and decided to get real and get with the program. I also remembered my sister-in-law who died of breast cancer. Did she fool around and avoid treatment? I don't know since I wasn't privy to her decision making. But I did see the results of her treatment choices. I was there when she died. I saw a 38-year old woman die and leave behind a husband and two young sons.  Well, that wasn't going to be me.

I made a decision to fight. Even if it's painful and scary, I'm doing it. I decided to trust conventional medicine and I"m glad I did. I also decided that if I couldn't suffer through this experience for myself then I'd do it for my children. I sure didn't want them to have to watch me die an unnecessary death.

But I don't think I'm alone in my struggle with treatment. I suspect most cancer patients try to run from it. It's human nature. It's also why it's important for medical professionals to be careful how they present treatment including these so-called "complementary" cures. Because people are going to take it the wrong way and make bad decisions.

As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Ultimately, we are judged by the results of our actions NOT by what we intended. Pushing bogus cancer care is negligent behavior and it's just a matter of time before it all ends up in court.

Waiting for the Other Shoe to drop

I think one of the side effects of experiencing a cancer diagnosis is having to deal with uncertainty. Cancer.Net has a useful article discussing the issue. I've always been something of a chicken little personality type who thinks the sky is falling but cancer has made it worse.
Recently, I had an abnormal lab which might indicate kidney disease (as if cancer wasn't enough)! But I have to wait and repeat the test in a couple of months.

So...I get to live with uncertainty. My husband and I had scheduled a vacation in the spring and part of me wanted to postpone it. But I figure even if I had kidney disease I could still travel so we're going.

I think that this is a situation where I need to let it go and keep working my program. I guess I'll have to trust God that no matter how things turn out, it's going to be okay. I also try to keep my prayer program going so that I can stay connected and not get caught up in emotional wheel spinning. I guess that's why I pray: sometimes God changes my perspective. Prayer helps me stop seeing myself as the center of the universe and it helps me detach from my emotions. I don't want to live my life reacting to things all the time. I want my life to be more about the good things in life (family, service, fun) and less about the agonies of my medical problems. I don't want my lousy health to dominate my life. By choosing to get on with my life despite my health challenges, I feel empowered and free. I'm making a conscious decision to decide that life is worth living.

Recently I began a Project Life album. I've decided to get on with it. I've truly got a lot to be grateful for and I intend to show it in my scrapbook. Creating these pages forces me to examine my life and look for the good things. I've already created two layouts about Christmas and It was a lot of fun.

I suppose that's the trick to living with uncertainty: simply getting on with life and enjoying it.

My New Job

I think the hardest part of suffering is the meaningless associated with it. When I'm suffering with medical issues I often feel like my life has no purpose and I can't see the point in it. But I think the main reason for this is due to a lack of purpose or goal. It's as if I'm on a journey without a destination.
But contrast that with suffering for some concrete purpose and I'm gung-ho. While in college I was willing to submit to all sorts of miseries because I had an end result: my diploma. The birth of my second child was ten times easier to endure because I was fully aware of the finish line: a beautiful baby. But illness is more difficult since there's a lack of any tangible or immediate pay-off. In addition, many diseases progressively get worse so one feels like a failure in not being "cured."

 So, what is a person to do?

I've discovered a wonderful book which helped me reorient my thinking. It's entitled, The Apostolate of Suffering by Robert. B. Eiten, S.J. It's basic premise is two-fold:

1. Suffering has meaning beyond the usual reasons; it can be an actual participation in Christ's redemption and be used to build up the Church and it's members.

Here's an explanation:

"Suffering and the cross are hard for all of us. We pine under their weight. We are constantly forced to seek new and striking motives for bearing them. At one time perhaps the motive was self-preservation or "keeping spiritually fit" made a strong appeal to us. Again we might have turned our eyes to the past and seen many personal sins. Right order demanded that these sins be expiated;hence the motive of expiation for our personal sins made us seek the cross of suffering.....

No doubt other motives such as fear of hell, the acquisition of self-control, the thought of eternal reward, at one time or another exerted an appeal on us. Yet sooner or later most likely all of these motives lost much of their appeal...It is characteristic of Americans to want to do things. We like external activity, the apostolate of the active life, because it enables us to see things accomplished. This spirit often hampers our prayer-life and dulls our appreciation of suffering.

 We see prayer and suffering, not as passive things, but as tremendous instruments for carrying out the great work of Redemption". (page x)

How does this happen? By our connection via the Body of Christ:

"In his touching discourse at the Last Supper, Christ told us that he is the vine and we are the branches. Now we all know how closely a branch and the stock of a vine are united. They are one, each of them working together and helping the other....Thus we can conclude that we are in some wonderful way one with Christ, and united with him. We might be called the extension or prolongation of Christ as the branch is the extension of a tree trunk. So too, because of the union or solidarity between Christ and us, we can make our own His merits, His blood, and all that goes with them. 

But Christ has gone father than this mere sharing of his merits with us, for He has not only wished to have us share in or be associated with the fruits of His superabundant reparation offered to His Father, but He wished to have us as his active associates, co-helpers, and in some secondary way, as co-redeemers....All this is possible through the gift of sanctifying grace whereby we share in God's Divine Nature and inner Life.(p. 8)

And therefore, just as we can say when we possess sanctifying grace that we possess a Godlike or divine nature, so too we can say of our actions and sufferings: "these are Christlike or divinelike actions, these are Christlike or Godlike sufferings and ones endowed consequently with Godlike efficacy and power." (p. 9)

So, the next time I have to endure an unpleasant procedure or wait for lab results,  I can help save the world!!  Because all the suffering in my life can be connected to Christ's suffering. I don't have to feel like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. It all has purpose. 

Most importantly, my participatory suffering can even be considered my personal vocation....

The School of God

"The Hospital Bed is the School of God!"

I have no idea who said that but I really like that quote. While I was doing blog research I discovered a book by a Protestant entitled, Don't Waste Your Cancer.  I'm not endorsing this book; I haven't even read it nor do I intend to. But the title really struck me. It sums up my whole attitude about my diagnosis. Suffering is an opportunity for grace and character development. Sanctity is easy when things are running smoothly but trying to be patient when you're recovering from surgery or running from doctor to doctor is another matter.
I try to remember that all the big name saints suffered from various ailments and were known for not complaining. Teresa of Avila suffered from numerous ailments including severe headaches, chest pain and even physical paralysis at one point. How she managed with all her issues is an amazement to me.
There's a danger I frequently struggle with regarding my medical issues. Family and friends tend to feel sorry for me and want to give me some sort of free pass on behaving myself. Now, I appreciate their kindness but it's not what I need. Just because I'm dealing with an illness doesn't mean the 10 Commandments have been revoked. Now it may be a little more difficult to do the right thing at this point in my life, but I still need to follow though as best I can. Crabbiness and tantrums are downright undignified.
I recently attended a Cancer Support Group in my community and I didn't like the atmosphere. In addition to all the New Age activities, the discussion group cultivated an approach where group members adopted sickness as an identity. I felt like I would become a professional  Cancer patient if I stayed there. I'm not saying I shouldn't talk about my problems but I'm not going to center my existence around my illness. I'm so much more. I understand some folks need to do this but it's not for me.
I try to visualize my current life as a sort of training program or boot camp. God is my personal trainer and he 's gonna get me into shape. Here's a relevant bible verse:

Do you not know that the runners in the stadium all run in the race, but only one wins the prize? Run so as to win. Every athlete exercises discipline in every way. They do it to win a perishable crown, but we an imperishable one. Thus I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight as if I were shadowboxing. No, I drive my body and train it, for fear that, after having preached to others, I myself should be disqualified.  (1Corinthians 9:24-27)

I just hope I make it through basic training!