A Vocation of Love

There are days when I struggle with feeling useless. My kids are grown and since my diagnosis I've had to face the fact that I'm not launching any grand careers. Although I do volunteer work and try to be a support for others, part of me feels like I missed the boat. I battled this issue when I was a stay-at-home mom with small children and it was easily conquered whenever a flu bug hit home or my kids needed help with an art project.

But now as an empty-nester it's harder to get my usefulness fix. Add to that the frequent image of the cancer survivor as some sort of superhero who's better than ever!! They run marathons, start businesses, and create non-profits. I started getting sucked into that mentality when I hit the first year mark. As part of my celebration my husband and I hiked 5 miles on a local state park trail. After that I decided to join a local hiking group and train to participate in 10-14 mile hikes and maybe even join their group that was preparing to hike the 2,000 mile Appalachian Trail!!

I don't think so...

I ended up seriously injuring my knee and quitting the group. I came to realize that more is not always better. But I felt like I had to keep up. I ended up revamping my workout program and I'm working out less but more often. My body is grateful.

Well, I recently found an antidote to my need to be important. It's a book entitled, The Way of Trust and Love  by Jacques Philippe. It provides a wonderful explanation of St. Therese of Lisieux's little way. As it turns out she also was afflicted with a dissatisfaction in her state in life:

Therese explains that although she knew her vocation....and was very happy in it,nevertheless she had a certain sense of dissatisfaction. So ardent were her desires to love our Lord and serve the Church that she would have liked to have all the vocations there are---just one wasn't enough for her!! She would like to be a priest to celebrate Mass,...a preacher...a missionary..and even a Papal Zouave to defend the Pope! (p.57)

So what was her answer?

Giving God the Steering Wheel

I've recently experienced another setback. It seems the medication I've been taking has created a state of early osteoporosis (osteopenia). I'm taking Femara which is known for this side effect but I didn't expect it this early.

I spent a good part of this week in a state of anger and frustration since I shouldn't be having this problem. I work out religiously at least four times a week and I'm a major source of income for the diary industry with all the milk, cheese, and yogurt I consume. And lets not the forgot all the calcium supplements I've been taking.

I'm starting to realize that when it comes to cancer there's always something new happening and I'm fooling myself if I think I'm getting back to "normal."              I don't think so. I need to realize that my life will never be same.

I also need to realize that I'm not in charge. God sends me these little trials for a reason  whether I understand it or like it. Pitching a fit and  flailing around like a bucking bronco are not useful strategies. I'd like to share a quote from Divine Intimacy, a Carmelite meditation book which provides a helpful approach to difficult times like this:

If we are disturbed and upset by trials, it means that we lack faith. Even when God conceals Himself, when everything seems to fail us and we feel terribly alone, we can be absolutely certain that God will never abandon us if we do not first abandon Him. Instead of becoming bitter or falling into despair, it is the moment to intensify our faith, to make strong acts of faith. St Therese of the Child Jesus used to say,"I count on Him. Suffering may go to its limit, but I am sure he will never abandon me." (p.177)

So I may not like my present situation but I'm trying to accept the fact that this is God's will for me.

Why I Blog

I feel compelled to discuss one of the reasons that I created this blog. Recently I was told of a patient who has decided not to pursue conventional treatment and go with "alternative" methods of care.  She has not opted to go the hospice route and give up.  This patient simply doesn't want to try standard therapies like surgery, chemo, etc.From her perspective methods like supplements, reiki, etc are just as effective.

So.... this is where it all leads....

Here's  how it plays out mathematically:

According to this patient she views treatment in the following way;

Surgery,
Chemo, radiation,etc  =   Reiki, Supplements, Yoga, etc.

This is very sad. I don't think this poor woman will be with us much longer. But how did this happen?

In my opinion I blame the medical profession. More specifically, I blame those practitioners who are pushing this nonsense. It's irresponsible. I'm sure that they didn't intend for patients to make this kind of choice but it's not that simple.

Nobody likes cancer treatment. It's painful, scary, and full of side effects. There's a natural tendency to want to avoid it. There's a natural impulse to avoid such unpleasantness. Let's be honest, oncologists are not the most popular doctors in town and there's a reason.
In my own cancer journey I even investigated a treatment center renown for it's use of "alternative and holistic" methods. I  didn't want to get cut, go bald from chemo, and possibly end up with lifelong side effects like osteoporosis.
But then I found out that my insurance wouldn't pay for it. That made me pause......Perhaps there's a reason. At that point I came to my senses and decided to get real and get with the program. I also remembered my sister-in-law who died of breast cancer. Did she fool around and avoid treatment? I don't know since I wasn't privy to her decision making. But I did see the results of her treatment choices. I was there when she died. I saw a 38-year old woman die and leave behind a husband and two young sons.  Well, that wasn't going to be me.

I made a decision to fight. Even if it's painful and scary, I'm doing it. I decided to trust conventional medicine and I"m glad I did. I also decided that if I couldn't suffer through this experience for myself then I'd do it for my children. I sure didn't want them to have to watch me die an unnecessary death.

But I don't think I'm alone in my struggle with treatment. I suspect most cancer patients try to run from it. It's human nature. It's also why it's important for medical professionals to be careful how they present treatment including these so-called "complementary" cures. Because people are going to take it the wrong way and make bad decisions.

As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Ultimately, we are judged by the results of our actions NOT by what we intended. Pushing bogus cancer care is negligent behavior and it's just a matter of time before it all ends up in court.

My New Job

I think the hardest part of suffering is the meaningless associated with it. When I'm suffering with medical issues I often feel like my life has no purpose and I can't see the point in it. But I think the main reason for this is due to a lack of purpose or goal. It's as if I'm on a journey without a destination.
But contrast that with suffering for some concrete purpose and I'm gung-ho. While in college I was willing to submit to all sorts of miseries because I had an end result: my diploma. The birth of my second child was ten times easier to endure because I was fully aware of the finish line: a beautiful baby. But illness is more difficult since there's a lack of any tangible or immediate pay-off. In addition, many diseases progressively get worse so one feels like a failure in not being "cured."

 So, what is a person to do?

I've discovered a wonderful book which helped me reorient my thinking. It's entitled, The Apostolate of Suffering by Robert. B. Eiten, S.J. It's basic premise is two-fold:

1. Suffering has meaning beyond the usual reasons; it can be an actual participation in Christ's redemption and be used to build up the Church and it's members.

Here's an explanation:

"Suffering and the cross are hard for all of us. We pine under their weight. We are constantly forced to seek new and striking motives for bearing them. At one time perhaps the motive was self-preservation or "keeping spiritually fit" made a strong appeal to us. Again we might have turned our eyes to the past and seen many personal sins. Right order demanded that these sins be expiated;hence the motive of expiation for our personal sins made us seek the cross of suffering.....

No doubt other motives such as fear of hell, the acquisition of self-control, the thought of eternal reward, at one time or another exerted an appeal on us. Yet sooner or later most likely all of these motives lost much of their appeal...It is characteristic of Americans to want to do things. We like external activity, the apostolate of the active life, because it enables us to see things accomplished. This spirit often hampers our prayer-life and dulls our appreciation of suffering.

 We see prayer and suffering, not as passive things, but as tremendous instruments for carrying out the great work of Redemption". (page x)

How does this happen? By our connection via the Body of Christ:

"In his touching discourse at the Last Supper, Christ told us that he is the vine and we are the branches. Now we all know how closely a branch and the stock of a vine are united. They are one, each of them working together and helping the other....Thus we can conclude that we are in some wonderful way one with Christ, and united with him. We might be called the extension or prolongation of Christ as the branch is the extension of a tree trunk. So too, because of the union or solidarity between Christ and us, we can make our own His merits, His blood, and all that goes with them. 

But Christ has gone father than this mere sharing of his merits with us, for He has not only wished to have us share in or be associated with the fruits of His superabundant reparation offered to His Father, but He wished to have us as his active associates, co-helpers, and in some secondary way, as co-redeemers....All this is possible through the gift of sanctifying grace whereby we share in God's Divine Nature and inner Life.(p. 8)

And therefore, just as we can say when we possess sanctifying grace that we possess a Godlike or divine nature, so too we can say of our actions and sufferings: "these are Christlike or divinelike actions, these are Christlike or Godlike sufferings and ones endowed consequently with Godlike efficacy and power." (p. 9)

So, the next time I have to endure an unpleasant procedure or wait for lab results,  I can help save the world!!  Because all the suffering in my life can be connected to Christ's suffering. I don't have to feel like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. It all has purpose. 

Most importantly, my participatory suffering can even be considered my personal vocation....